Friday, February 10, 2012


I do write. It helps calm the voice in my head. The continuing narrative that gives rise to worry and what if scenarios. When I'm not writing. When I'm not writing, I'm thinking or talking and often speaking judgmentally about others, to no avail. There's no end to being bitter. I did do a lot of writing when I lived in Deutschland some 10 years ago. I was out of language. I couldn't speak the common tongue (german), so I was locked into English. And in my head. I wrote. It was a discovery of my own connection to the words. I had that feeling again recently ~ in Tokyo. I had even less ability to reach out to other people and be myself in my own tongue. I did write, again in my mind's eye. I wrote to myself in monologue. Eventually I went out and bought myself a journal and began to meet myself in Starbuck's so that I could see myself again, hear myself again and relax in the comfort of my first language. Here I am again. Not writing to get away from the world around me, rather to get back to me, to see myself in another form. To hear myself consciously set out to express, rather than the continuous stream of consciousness narrative that goes with me through my day. Today was an extraordinary day. For even in this pit of despair and lost hope, I found some beauty. Other people reaching out to me to say that they were glad to hear from me. It was magical. It truly is. CONNECTION. Fundamentally who we are. And if the connection is from people we love, with whom we resonate, with whom we gong like a bell ~ you know those people!, then the day becomes magical. There's no other greater inspiration. For all of 10 minutes, I saw two of my close friends together curled up on their sofa, smiling and feeling blessed in each other's company. I had a chance to go rock climbing with an old friend who commented on an advertisement on a city bus while we driving to the gym "Hey it (the advertisement) says that we should be more awesome. I don't think we can be more awesome Vaughan!" When I came home I checked my email to see three people whom I really like had emailed me to say hi and that they were glad to hear from me. I phoned another friend who told me that we should meet. Even amongst uncertainty and unknowing, there's still the interconnection between all of us, that encourages us to celebrate ourselves outside of our tiny sphere of ego. thoughts that lead me to this place of hope include and you.


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