Sunday, September 16, 2007

Patrick Watson and Victoria Drive

A long time since I posted...I'm amazed that my account is still active. No doubt it is subject to a bit more scrutiny now that I have to login via gmail.
Two months since I left Montreal and I feel like it has been two decades. I can't believe how much I have done in that time and how much I have missed being alive. I know I am alive now as I write, but I don't feel alive. I don't feel in touch with people who give to me so easily and make me feel at one with the universe. Maybe it's been a long time since I have had to be in survival mode. You know when you are in that space and all you can do is keep moving and keep going whether its a job, an apt, buying groceries, making chit chat and pretending that you don't need people. So I must pull my feelers in and not scare people off or NOT> So, I put on Patrick Watson and decided to remember where I was in Montreal just before I left. Wow, I had so much in control then. I couldn't imagine what I was about to put myself through. I couldn't have imagined the jump I was going to make. It was a big jump. I'm not sure whether it was right or wrong, but I fell for a while. I have had two jobs in two months and now I have found one of my callings. And although I have to get up in six hours, it's wonderful to write to you all out there in the Universe and give it up for my family in Montreal. It's a funny thing to know that one of the strongest things pulling me out to Vancouver was to be near to my family (brother and belle soeur), but I didn't realise how much family I was leaving behind. It's shocking to me how I didn't see it at the time. Sometimes, I have to leave my house and look at it from the outside to see what is inside. Montreal was lost for me. I felt like I was living everyone else's life. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but it felt like I was not clear in my heart and my head about what I would like to do. I was defensive as all get out, about my identity at least. And that's a lot. I took refuge in other people's souls, in their hearts, in their homes, often because I didn't know how to live in mine. I am still learning. I am still learning to be at home in me. There are so many of me and I like some and I am getting to know others. Patrick Watson is singing the Great Escape right now and I can relate to that. "Bad day, looking for the Great Escape..." It makes me think of that street party on St. Viateur when he played for about twenty minutes. I saw Guillaume, and I saw Mike Dieter, and a few hundred other people who I vaguely knew. It was huge. I loved being there, but what held sway for me and contributed to my sense of being lost was the ride home over the mountain and coming 'home'. It was the ride home alone that reminded me of where I was. Sometimes I love that alone time because no one will see the beauty of spaces that I love the same way I do, and that is disappointing. Other times I miss the someone to show the spaces to because they can show me their spaces too.

More on Montreal and Vancouver soon...
To Gui, to JA, to Celia, to Rich et Marianne, to Stephen, to my family in Montreal


At February 17, 2008 at 10:08 PM, Blogger Secret Name said...

One time you told me you can't always be in the background. I forget the exact context but it was after a TV2 Karaoke thing and I had run into you outside Brutopia while I was somewhat drunk. I think I said I'd drop out and form a noise rock band. Didn't quite happen.

Anyways the sentiment you describe here seems to fit with that one a bit.

Glad I checked back to see you'd updated!

It's Kathleen from some of your classes at Concordia btw.


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