Wednesday, June 03, 2009

In the Eye of the Storm

Do you ever have that feeling when insolvency hits and you watch your savings disappear and depression hits you hard and fast and you wonder how you're going feel good about yourself again? You know that the only way to get out is to do something. MOVE. Don't stop moving until you accomplish something. Anything. Then life starts the ebb and flow again, away from stagnation, away from self-destruction. But for that time, when you can't take the mental pummeling that you give yourself and you feel helpless and worthless, and you watch it happen, then that's the real destruction. You stand there and watch and listen. You can't hear anything, because you're in it. You're in the middle. Rather, I am. And all is unfolding around me. My emotions like tornado winds are swirling around me, uprooting all manner of protections in their path. Whereas I, am rooted to the ground in fear, in trepidation, immobile. I watched it this morning, but I can't stand it for long. It's too powerless a place to be. Anger, frustration, fear, envy, jealousy, culminate in the storm and I look outside and it's a beautiful day. The kind I love. When its 28 degrees and the warm air greets you when you walk out the door. I smile at strangers as I ride past them. I feel alive again and unafraid. As long as I don't go back inside, because that's where the storm dwells. It enters my head when I'm sleeping and festers in my heart, when I surf the web. It unabashedly, stirs up past feelings of doubt and denial and challenges my every waking decision.
But I don't need this. I just need a little love, that comes from me.


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