Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Composure and the Risk of Keeping It

I can't remember the last time I sat down to has been a time. I'm trying to recall how I felt, where I was, how I was feeling, what I was thinking. So much has passed. It's like an old friendship that I have with myself. I want to pick up my pen or train of thought and start writing where I left off. Which I may have mentioned was probably 2 years ago. I am also eager to correct my grammar, but I will be my old sloppy self and forgive the hapless errors in favour of a conversationalist style. I have been listening to Writers & Co. . It reminds me of where I used to sit and listen to the radio. I listened to the radio every night for years. I listened to the radio while I made my dinner which consisted of two bowls of food: salad and some sort of stir fry / curry. I then went to the other room and sat down in front of the telly, a small 20 inch TV that Stephen sold to me for $30 ten years before. I had a VCR and I watched movies which I had seen a zillion times before, either from the beginning or from other places in the film which I would fast forward to on screen. It wasn't all that terrible. It was relaxing actually. It was like seeing old friends and reliving their triumphs, their losses, their love and their betrayals. Even if the themes I knew by heart, I could easily slip into their world and watch for awhile. And now, these days I spend on Netflix when I get home, desperately searching for something that will enlighten me or amuse me or engage me. It's the old video store search. Picking up a video box and carrying it with me around the store as I look for another one in the New Releases or the Documentaries or the Drama sections. Happy. That's the word I focused on today. Something I have not felt in so many moons at this place where I work. Quite extraordinary to have gone without being myself for so long at this place. There is so much seriousness in this place, it is so utterly dry, so utterly with emotion, without inspiration, without love. I have been so keen to save my humour and my absurdity for another time. Watching my back is at least 75% of my job. But today I forgot myself, and a few people laughed including myself. I was doing software training and some of my fellow trainees were marring my work through the network. The trainer pointed this out to me and I said aloud to the whole room "The Basards!" and a few people were surprised and laughed. My brain was fuzzled and the information was coming at me so thick and fast, that I forgot to put on my serious face and I blurted it out. It was the first time I had seen myself, well for some time. It was wonderful. It lasted until I recovered my composure and put my armour back on without even noticing. So long I have worn it, for so much of the day. Which is almost just as astonishing. I would really rather lose my composure more often. It has made me so unhappy to keep it. I will soon leave it behind me and sit and watch myself and others reactions to that. Is it risky to lose composure or risky to keep it?


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