Monday, December 06, 2010

Based on a True Story

I went sailing today. That is we went out on the boat and waited in the cold for 2 hours for the race to start, and when it finally did, it was called off 20 mins later. We came back. We put the boat away. I rode home, talked to someone from high school on FB (with whom I haven't been in contact with for over 20 years), went to the bathroom intending to have a bath and then got out my clippers and shaved most of the hair off my body. It's a crazy world. Honestly, I get into the most interesting head spaces sometimes...The hair thing for example. I think to myself, I'll just trim my chest hairs down to the number 1 setting. But wait! Now that I have the clippers out and they're humming (turned on), I can just shave my arms (because I massage my arms a lot), and my legs (better for winter cycling) and trim the hair on my head (its fun). 40 mins later with hair all over the bathroom floor and a cat meowing at the bathroom window to come in, I wonder to myself "Was that a good idea?" . But since it's Too Late Now, I shrug my shoulders and start cleaning up. I did let the cat in and now she's sleeping at my feet.

Massive Topic Change.

It's a funny thing the ageness of it all. Today for example (sorry I should just mention here the ageness and the work thing) while out with the crew of 5 on the boat, we were mentioning how old we were and everyone seemed shocked to discover that I am 39. I became shocked in response to everyone else's shock. From the outside, one would automatically assume, that one was regularly employed with a job that one had had for several years with a decent income. It's not a big leap to imagine that. Except from the inside, the notion that one's age ought not be a factor in having regular, high paid income, for the simple reason that one doesn't (at least not at the moment). Two things are at work here. One thing is that many people say that age is just a number, ie it doesn't have bearing on ability, job, playfullness, seriousness etc . The other thing is that age clearly impacts all of those things, especially with regard to those people who claim just the opposite. So I hear myself saying I'm 39 and I'm dumbstruck at out how inept I am at having a long-term job with which I am vaguely satisfied. So the unemployment factor weighs heavily on my mind, because it bears a direct correlation to my age and the identity of my age in my mind and in other people's mind. Is this making any sense? It's hard to tell, because it makes sense to me, whereas you may recall that thinking patterns are at best erratic and at worst, nonsensical.

Again, huge subject leap.

There is also the total mindfuck of feeling unsingle (being in a committed relationship), OR feeling single, even though I'm clearly in a relationship which is fundamentally destined for the long-term. It's a big thing. I resist it. I am just so afraid of going down that road again. Getting to know someone new?! Argh. All that history to relive / re-tell, anecdotes, friendships, quirks and quarks (with Bob MacDonald), in-jokes that have to be developed. It just seems like work ;) It takes time, things will fall into place when they are ready. And then I tell myself not to read too much into the little things. We are at an age, where chasing someone down is just not worth the hassle and I think we are all willing to accept that. That's my theory anyway. Which is fortunate because as you may you know, I am brilliant with theories, but not at actually getting the work done. This is okay though, because this is a blog where my primary purpose is to pontificate.

End of transmission.