All bets are on

That is the mood of today. In people's lives, in the news, at work, on the street, there is a frantic energy that invades my consciousness and maybe it is a collective consciousness, because I feel it from other people. This energy speaks, its voice is a constant noise and sometimes a threat, a reminder that every decision I make is being held accountable. There is so much at stake, all the time. Maybe it's in my head. I don't know why I feel what I feel. There is something in my biological and spiritual structure that makes me susceptible to other people's / collective energy. I get the feelings in emails from pressure groups--- Act now before it's too late. The rainforest is disappearing! They are going to build an oil pipeline! This many people will die if you don't contribute your voice! We are poisoning the food chain in so many ways that we can hardly get through a day without ingesting toxins from every available food source. Quick, help us!. What the hell, all I did was check my inbox. Advertising is a plague online. I'm constantly being bombarded with information about the latest artificial need. How is having a faster computer or a better cellphone or a pilate workshop going to help me come to terms with the loss of my father? How is Matt Damon's newest film or the newest PlayStation going to help me find meaningful or at least steady employment? This all happens in 10 minutes of being online. Just slow down...a little. Maybe for me too, inside of my own energy there is a frantic need to accomplish, to be at the pinnacle of my career, to know all that there is to be known about my consciousness, my feelings, my success and my failures. I wish I did. I used to think that I had reached a pinnacle, not the pinnacle, but a pinnacle of self-understanding and awareness, but truthfully I have been so wrapped up in my own analogies of what is happening to me that I haven't examined what I have been doing --- the difference being between the passive and the active. That is a considerable difference. Rather than looking at efforts I have made to bring order to my life, I have focused on efforts others have made to disrupt my life. Maybe that's not even true, maybe the efforts of others have been in their own self-interest and their indirect effect has been to disrupt my life. Whatever efforts have been made, I have not felt part of my own identity, save that I have all these cards in my wallet saying who I am. And that has translated into my perspective. My perspective on the world. My perspective on myself. My perspective on myself in the world. Can I ever stay on topic? It's been a while since I wrote. I need to empty my mind.